The most ungodly

Today, I spent a good 45 minutes of my prep period weeping at the news of the children who were murdered in Connecticut.  

On days like today, my own struggles with the idea of God surface.  I have a little girl, who is the light of my life, and I'm terrified of not being able to keep her safe.  It's always in the back of my head: I can't control the world, and thus, I can't make sure she's always safe.  As human beings, we have to recognize that things happen.  Cancer happens; accidents happen; life & death happens - no parent is guaranteed our kids will outlive us.  But we don't anticipate mass murder in a preschool.  If there's anything truly ungodly in the world, it's this thing that happened today. 

I can accept things like car accidents, natural disasters, disease - even war, though one of the ugliest faces of humanity, is something we must accept.  These are things we put in the category of things which we hope don't happen; things which are out there; things we must guard against.  But today's horror I cannot accept.  I cannot categorize; I cannot.  I simply cannot.  

I wish I were one of those people who could turn to my faith for comfort.  But I just get angry, because what God could watch such a thing?  God is supposed to protect the children, the innocent.  I find no comfort today in the idea of an omniscient Creator.  It's easier for me to accept no God than it is to accept this idle God. 

I heard this comment today:"There's a blessing somewhere in this chaotic event - I do trust in that thought. I have to for without that trust, life would be very, very difficult."  20 children were just murdered, and this person is looking for a blessing?  No.  There's no good in this.  I think it's time to recognize that life is very, very difficult; today's event taught us one thing: it's a cold, cruel, world.  

I also saw this today: 

“And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said;
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
the Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"The Wrong shall fail/ the Right prevail"?   No, actually.  The Wrong won today.  Who cares, after the 20 children have been murdered, about prevailing in anything?  The kids are dead; I doubt Longfellow would have been able to muster such optimism in the face of a preschool mass murder.  

We have to stop, as a society, looking to the spirit for answers; they aren't there.  God doesn't matter.  God, if he's out there, isn't going to stop the horrid crazy bastards from hurting our children.  We have to stop it.  Crazy is out there.  Crazy defies race, class, and borders.  When I lived in Japan, some deranged psychopath walked into an elementary school with a knife and started trying to kill people.  It was very disconcerting to see in the news.  My students were horrified.  But nobody died because the most destructive weapon the guy could get his hands on was a knife.  It would have been a different story had he been able to walk into a fucking Wal-Mart and buy a gun.